How long does it take you to hear from God?

Sometimes I think we say we are "waiting to hear from God" as an excuse as we dig our feet in the ground... or maybe as we just don't do anything.

I was taught there are 5 sources of wisdom: experience, wise counselors, facts, the Word (the Bible) & prayer (talking to God)

Here is one wise counselor you should take notes from...

I {heart} Bailey Marks.

Lord, please let me have faith like Bailey.

P.S. fun fact: our sweet Bailey Ebsen is named after Bailey Marks + Ney Bailey.  I'll explain why sometime, but you can probably figure out why yourself.  They are both my heroes. 

(Ney is author of Faith is Not a Feeling -- if you haven't read it, you MUST today. I implore you.)

the vintage pearl.

my necklace came in! and i love it :)

just ordered.

so I just ordered this sweet necklace. i'm pretty excited about it. it's from the vintage pearl. i'm trying to learn how to grieve, so i got a name plate with "hope" written on it. i'm hoping it will help remind me that what i'm going through is real & not a dream from the past - and to remind me that no matter what, there is hope, even despite what happened to our baby. so anyways. that's what's where i am at. and a really cool necklace gets to be a part of it all, i like that.

but check out the vintage pearl, i'm a fan!

sweet Bailey

Our sweet Bailey Ebsen went home to be with Jesus.

( our last photo at 8 weeks - I really believed there would be so many more!)

It's hard to put into words what is actually going on in your heart.  The pain & the hope that were colliding as the specialist told us at 8 weeks that Bailey had a 60-40 chance of living-- yet he encouraged us to continue our trip to Rome, Italy for summer project.  They wouldn't know for sure until 16 weeks if it really is what we all fear: Partial Molar Pregnancy.  So we might as well go where God has called us & wait hopefully there, rather than twiddling our fingers in Oxford, waiting.  

I'm thankful we went.

But the pain is greater than the thankfulness right now.  June 30, 2009 we found out that Bailey didn't make it to see this side of heaven.  Bails went straight up to be with Jesus.  I'm thankful for that.  No pain, no suffering for our sweet little one.... I think I'm jealous right now.

We thought we were 16 weeks along... we thought we were a part of the 60% chance that Bailey had made it.  There were no signs of loss.  None.  And I felt pregnant.  Because I was... and because of the partial molar (your hormones are out of control, therefore you experience heightened pregnancy symptoms).

My heart is sad.  My heart is angry.  We had so much hope for this child.  A long life to learn who he/she was & to create many, many memories together.  But my hope has been differed & my heart is sick Psalm 13:12 (our hope is differed till eternity when we meet Bailey + doctors say we can't even try to get pregnant for over a year!)

We'll see where this journey takes us.  Right now, I don't know.  All I know is that I miss Bailey.

We love you sweet Bailey Ebsen.  We'll see you later.

week 13.

This is the last week of my first trimester.  We love watching all the little children run around Rome.  Everyone loves children here.  And I am really excited that my energy is coming back.  I can make it through the day without a nap, and that is very good.  The walking everywhere in Rome isn't as bad anymore.  And I'm learning how to let people know I'm pregnant so I can sit on the bus easier, "sono incinta."  We love that you've formed your fingerprints this week.  We know that God's fingerprints are all over you already.

week 12.

When I saw this, I thought of you.  "Tiamo amore" means "I love you" in Italian.  It's graffitied on a wall right near where we are staying in Rome, so we walk by it a lot.  It's still hard to believe that we will get to hold you someday, it's so unreal.  You are developing your reflexes this week-- and we can't wait till we can feel you move around.  We are continually amazed that you are forming inside me, and we love you.

week 11.

We've been in Rome for a little over a week & a half now.  And this weekend we spent in Ischia, a beautiful island off southern Italy.  It was the most sweet smelling place I've ever been.  This was one of the few times I'm thankful that you have helped enhance my sense of smell :)  I couldn't get enough of all the flowers everywhere.  And there were lemon trees too!  And that's close to about how big you are right now, you're a small lime.  There was a really big hill to get to the place we were staying, and it was very tiring to walk up & down it with you.  But the views made it worth it.  We can't wait to show your pictures & take you back there someday!

10 weeks.

This is your first time in Rome!  All of our friends here in Rome & our new friends we've met on summer project are so excited about you.  It was a little hectic to get over here, but we made it.  Rome is beautiful.  We can't wait to show you someday.  But it's really hot right now.  And the heat & all the walking makes it very tiring with you.  Eating is difficult too.  There are a lot of things I need to avoid, which is harder to do when I don't speak Italian well.  But we'll make it, I'm adjusting with you here & wouldn't trade you for the world.

9 weeks.

This week, my dear, you are the size of a grape.  And that it very cute.  You are almost an inch, but the doctors say you are smaller for your age.  We went to see a specialist this week to find out more about how you are doing.  The doctor said its a 60% chance you are healthy & its a normal pregnancy-- 40% chance this is a partial molar pregnancy.  He told us to go ahead to Rome, and we will check things out more when we get home.  A lot of people are praying for you!!!  We are hopeful that God can work a miracle here.  Don't give up little one.

8 weeks.

You keep growing, now you're the size of a kidney bean.  We got lucky since we're getting ready to leave for Italy, and we got an early ultrasound.  It was amazing to hear your little heartbeat & to see you.  The nurse called you "our little gummy bear", and you do kinda look like one.  You gave us quite a scare though, the doctors were afraid of a partial molar pregnancy-- which would mean we wouldn't get to meet you.  Thankfully after some blood work everything looks OK.  Praise the Lord He is taking care of you!  We're praying hard for you little one!  We also bought our first home this week!  So we started painting & fixing the house up- a lot of friends came out to help us!!  It was such a blessing.

7 weeks.

Our little blueberry.  Your hands & feet are forming right now, which is really exciting.  We can't wait to hold them & kiss them!  We had our first doctor's appointment this week to check in on you.  Then we went to browse around Baby's R Us for the first time together to dream about all the stuff you'll need!  Your mommy photographed a wedding, and you made it very tiring-- but your worth it!  We're still having fun telling people about you too.  We all can't wait!

6 weeks.

You are the size of a lima bean. Still growing quickly! I don't feel very different though. And that makes me nervous a lot. I don't feel pregnant, and I get worried that I'm not. I really want to meet you & hold you. It's crazy to think how so much is going on inside of me, yet I hardly notice it. I need to continue to trust that you are there even though I can't see you. I'm grateful I can trust God throughout this time.

5 weeks.

You are now the size of a sesame seed. We can't believe your skelaton is already beginning to form- you're so little still! We finally told a lot of our friends this week about you. Everyone has responded so sweetly to our news. You are going to have a lot of people who love you a lot. Spring is finally here, which is perfect timing for our new little one to bloom as well. I've been trying to eat healthy & make sure everything I put in & on my body is good for you. It's actually pretty hard to find good things for you. But I am more than willing to figure this all out for you!

4 weeks.

We're pregnant!!! We just found out about you Sunday April 5, 2009. You are only the size of a poppy seed. That's really tiny. But we are so excited about you! I told your Daddy about you at church in Chicago by showing him a photo of the test on my phone. He was shocked. We couldn't wait to tell our family! Thankfully we only had to wait 6 days & told them Friday night at Easter dinner. Both of your Grandma's started bawling! I'm already tired & pretty clumsy, but you're worth the wait!