sweet Bailey

Our sweet Bailey Ebsen went home to be with Jesus.

( our last photo at 8 weeks - I really believed there would be so many more!)

It's hard to put into words what is actually going on in your heart.  The pain & the hope that were colliding as the specialist told us at 8 weeks that Bailey had a 60-40 chance of living-- yet he encouraged us to continue our trip to Rome, Italy for summer project.  They wouldn't know for sure until 16 weeks if it really is what we all fear: Partial Molar Pregnancy.  So we might as well go where God has called us & wait hopefully there, rather than twiddling our fingers in Oxford, waiting.  

I'm thankful we went.

But the pain is greater than the thankfulness right now.  June 30, 2009 we found out that Bailey didn't make it to see this side of heaven.  Bails went straight up to be with Jesus.  I'm thankful for that.  No pain, no suffering for our sweet little one.... I think I'm jealous right now.

We thought we were 16 weeks along... we thought we were a part of the 60% chance that Bailey had made it.  There were no signs of loss.  None.  And I felt pregnant.  Because I was... and because of the partial molar (your hormones are out of control, therefore you experience heightened pregnancy symptoms).

My heart is sad.  My heart is angry.  We had so much hope for this child.  A long life to learn who he/she was & to create many, many memories together.  But my hope has been differed & my heart is sick Psalm 13:12 (our hope is differed till eternity when we meet Bailey + doctors say we can't even try to get pregnant for over a year!)

We'll see where this journey takes us.  Right now, I don't know.  All I know is that I miss Bailey.

We love you sweet Bailey Ebsen.  We'll see you later.